Facebed and other new technology . . .

For well over a half a century, telephones just sat around, stupidly. Then came remedial cellphones, and the current batch of smartphones.

Similarly, engineers are currently working to “smart up” some of the other daft items laying about the house.

Smartoilet: All those accumulated hours you waste, just sitting there . . .  No more. The smartoilet has a keyboard/monitor that pops up when you sit down, so you can Tweet, FB, surf the Net or do some business while you do your business. “Hands free” button allows you to keep emailing or texting, during automated cleanup. Add on apps include a variety of personalized, musical flushes and a “silencer” mode so as not to disrupt phone calls.

iShower: No more frustrating wait for the water to heat up and frantic search for the right setting . . .  Using “browser close” technology, water comes streaming out at precisely the temperature you ended your last relaxing shower. Wi-fi enabled, so glass shower door streams Netflix, Youtube, Hulu, etc.

Smartoaster: Using “predictive technology” to analyze your preferences and deliver the toast just the way you like it, every time. Smart chip with jukebox app that rotates thousands of hit songs, sorted to play the ones that last exactly as long as it takes to toast the bread.

InstaSofa: Uses GPS to track when you are approaching and, moments before you flop down, pillows begin sinking gradually; this allows you to reach your ultimate “veg out” posture in moments, instead of hours. And no more ruining that perfect pose to wrestle with the remote control. When your mind begins to wander, sensors trigger automatic flipping of channels until your pulse rate eases, at which point the iSofa settles on that program that soothes you. Wi-fi enabled and Smartphone compatible, with hands-free technology and high-end microphones that allow you to answer a call and hold up your side of the conversation, even while face down. UhHuh app even holds up your end of the conversation, enabling you to maintain semi-comatose during routine calls.

Dining Table-et: Table top features high-resolution screens, so each person can stream movies, play video games, blog or check email while having quality-time family dinner.

Chaireos: To go along with the Table-et, these high-backed, audio-enabled chairs have buds discreetly placed at ear level. Keypads at the end of each chair arm afford effortless texting without breaking eye contact.    

FaceBed: No need to stop Facebooking, just because you’ve gone to sleep. FaceBed takes “selfies” and posts them every few hours. Talk in your sleep? FaceBed has an app that converts the audio and automatically posts to Facebook and Twitter. Pillows programmed to buzz when it’s time to wake up – or when someone gives you a “like.”   

Smartcoffin: Program it while you are still alive to play thousands of your favorite songs, to be played at a soothing volume on an infinite loop; unique energy source converts decomposition gasses into low-voltage electricity to power the songs and hundreds of hit movies, which will play inside the coffin cover, at eye level. Wi-fi wired, with standard “Oh, no!” app that, when activated, releases oxygen while simultaneously calling 911, to alleviate any concerns of “premature burials.”

 

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