Overly Optimistic Baby Names

They say there is nothing more optimistic than the parent of a newborn human – so precious, so physically adorable, so pure, sinless, filled with the potential to shine, to excel in any number of important fields, to (who knows?) maybe even make the world a better place. So who can blame a parent for giving that dear little one a name to match the dreams?

Unfortunately, not all the planning done in the maternity ward pans out. Here are some examples of optimistic baby names that didn’t turn out as hoped.

Chastity Sasserelli

Best moment: Starred as “The Christmas Angel” three years running (kindergarten through second grade).

End result: Married her middle school sweetheart, had first child in ninth grade; divorced and remarried as a junior in high school. At 33, with seven kids and four ex-husbands, swore she wasn’t having any more and took vow of celibacy so she could concentrate on being a dental hygienist.  But, at a holiday party, got drunk and slept with her boss, who later denied it and fired her for missing too much work through her pregnancy.

 Charity Jenkins

Best moment: in high school, raised $122 for homeless victims of domestic violence.

End result: Arrested for embezzling $22,957 from a nonprofit agency that employed her as a bookkeeper .

Christian Johnson

Best moment: Voted “Most Ready to Receive the Holy Host” by his First Communion Preparation Class.

End result: After failed attempts to break into acting, became an award-winning director of adult films; changed named to Long Lens Larry.

Michael Jordan Henderson

Best moment: Scored winning basket in a fifth grade game.

End result: Cut from high school basketball team in his junior and senior years, dropped off and went on a “spiritual journey.” Ultimately became a yoga teacher; goes by “Mickey J.” at his studio.

Dylan Potter

Best moment: English teacher commented on an essay “You write with the grace and force of your namesakes.”

End result: Acted like Bob, drank like Thomas.

Sunshine Hernandez

Best moment: Made more than $5,000 one weekend, selling jewelry she made at the Albuquerque Street Fair.

End result: Quit job as guard at Sussex County Women’s Prison due to chronic depression that, according to her attorney, “was exacerbated, if not caused, by poor working conditions.”

Karma Rasmussen (nee, Douglas)

Best moment: Married college sweetheart, happily worked full time and raised the kids so husband could focus on psychology degree.

End result: Forced to go on food stamps when husband fell in love with patient and left her, refusing to pay child support and disappearing behind a trail of phony names.


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